How to Help Your Teen Who Keeps Putting Themselves Down

If you've ever heard a young person say things like:
‘I'm so dumb.’
‘I'm not good at anything.’
‘Everyone’s better than me.’

you'll know that that kind of self-talk is hard to hear.
You can see how amazing they are - their big heart, their quirky sense of humour, the way they light up when they’re around animals or their best mates but all they can seem to focus on is what they think they’re not.

And I don't know about you but it makes me wonder:
‘How do I help them see what I see?’
‘Why are they being so hard on themselves?’
‘What if they carry this into adulthood?’

It can be heartbreaking to watch someone you care about shrink under the weight of self-criticism, especially when you're unsure how to help without making it worse or pushing them away.

Why Tweens and Teens Talk Themselves Down

This kind of harsh inner voice is super common in the tween and teen years and it’s not because something is wrong with them. It’s because:

They’re stuck in comparison mode.
Social media, school, friendship dramas, the pressure is coming at them from all directions. They start believing they're not enough because everyone else seems to have it all together.

They’re scared of failing.
It can feel safer to say ‘I’m just bad at this’ rather than for them to try and risk getting it wrong. It’s a protective shield.

They haven’t learned how to be kind to themselves (yet).
Self-compassion isn’t an automatic skill. It’s something we help them grow like a muscle and most teens are still figuring this out.

Why Saying ‘Just Be Positive!’ Doesn’t Work

When your teen is spiralling into self-doubt, being told to ‘just think happy thoughts’ it can feel like slapping a sparkly band-aid on something that really needs deeper care. It often leaves them feeling misunderstood, dismissed, or just plain annoyed.

Because deep down, in this moment, they’re not looking for a pep talk.

They’re craving connection.
And to feel seen.
And to know they’re not broken.

What You Can Try Instead

If your teen is being really self-critical or feeling like they’re not good enough, these gentle shifts in how you respond can help open the door to a kinder inner voice - without sounding like a motivational poster and hopefully avoiding the eye roll ;-)

1. Mirror what you notice

‘It sounds like this really matters to you. I can see how much you’re feeling it.’

This helps them feel heard instead of fixed and it helps build emotional safety.

2. Celebrate the effort, not just the outcome

‘I noticed you kept going even when it got tricky. That kind of persistence is awesome.’

It reinforces resilience and shifts their focus from perfection to progress.

3. Be their belief holder

‘You might not believe in yourself right now but I do, I know you’ve got what it takes to figure this out and I’ll hold that belief for you until you’re ready.’

This one’s big. Sometimes they just need someone to borrow courage from and that someone is you.

The Way You Speak to Them Becomes the Way They Speak to Themselves

Your words matter more than you know.

The way you show up when they’re doubting themselves? It gets into their bones. It starts to shift the way they talk to themselves in those quiet moments.

Every time you respond with kindness instead of panic...
Every time you reflect back their strengths (even when they can’t see them)...
Every time you remind them that they’re more than their mistakes...

...you’re helping build the foundation of real confidence.

Not the fake-it-till-you-make-it kind and not the ‘just be more positive’ kind.
But the deep, steady kind that grows from knowing they’re worthy just as they are, even on the hard days.

Final Thought

Confidence isn’t about being bubbly or outgoing or having it all figured out.

It’s about feeling comfortable in your own skin.
It’s about being kind to yourself when you mess up.
It’s about knowing you’re not alone, and that you're not broken.

And that’s something your teen can learn, especially with you in their corner.

Gentle support that meets your teen where they are

If your young person is stuck in self doubt, feels like they’re not good enough, or constantly puts themselves down, there is support out there.

I offer 1:1 mentoring for tweens and teens who are struggling with self-esteem, confidence, and being their real selves.

It’s gentle, relaxed, real talk that is designed to help your young person like who they are without trying to change who they are.

If you’re curious to see if it’s the right fit, you can book a free 15 minute Connection Call with me. No pressure, just a friendly chat to see what it's all about.

Click here to book your free call.

You don’t have to do this alone and neither do they

Annabel 💛