Why Saying ‘Just Be More Confident’ Doesn’t Cut It And What to Say Instead

Have you ever told a teenager to ‘just be more confident?’ I feel like I could put money on the fact that the outcome was either a blank stare, an eye roll, or just instant shutdown. You’re definitely not alone if so!

It’s a common well-meaning phrase that is often said, when we see someone we care about struggling. But if confidence was as easy as flipping a switch, we wouldn’t have a generation of tweens and teens walking around feeling anxious, stuck in self doubt, or convinced that they’re not enough.

What Teens Actually Hear When You Say "Just Be More Confident"

When a young person is already feeling unsure, anxious, or is stuck in their head, being told to ‘just be confident’ can land like a ton of bricks and instead of a boost, it can sound like:

‘You’re doing it wrong.’

‘Everyone else has it figured out except you.’

‘If you can’t be confident, something must be wrong with you.’

Obviously that’s not what was meant but that’s what their brain hears. And it’s not your fault either. Most of us were never taught what confidence actually is because we’ve been sold the myth that it’s something you either have or don’t. But confidence is a skill, it’s not a personality trait. And like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and strengthened in a gentle and encouraging way that actually works for them.

Why Confidence Feels So Flipping Hard Right Now

Right now, young people are wading through a storm of self doubt, comparison, people pleasing, and the pressure to be perfect. Whether it’s school, sport, social media, group chats, or friendships, it's coming at them from all angles.

So when they feel:

Like they’re not good enough (no matter what they do)

Like everyone else has it together (which we know they don’t)

Like one awkward moment = social doom

...they start shrinking and playing it safe and second guessing everything. Because to them it feels safer than risking being seen and rejected.

What Actually Helps Build Real Confidence

Here’s a few alternative things you can say that can help them build the kind of confidence that sticks, even when things get hard:

'Feeling unsure doesn’t cancel out your courage. Bravery is showing up, even when you're unsure' Let them know that courage isn’t about having zero fear, it’s about showing up with the fear and doing the thing anyway.

'Confidence isn’t about being perfect. It’s about just showing up.’
Normalise messy, imperfect action. That’s what real confidence looks like and it's ok to feel awkward when they do show up. The gold here is in the showing up, not the outcome. 

‘You’re not missing anything. You’ve already got everything you need just by being you.’
Name what’s already working for them - their kindness, humour, creativity, courage, the way they include others etc. Once they get that they’re already enough, they quit the chase for approval, the pressure drops and they finally feel safe to be exactly who they are

‘What you say to yourself matters.’
Help them tune into their inner voice. Is it kind? Supportive? Would they say the same things to a mate?

True confidence isn’t loud or flashy, it’s quiet and grounded and authentic. So these mini shifts in language are game changers because they really help to create safety and build self belief.

Young people don’t need to fake it or to ‘fix’ themselves, or ‘just be more confident.’ They need tools, repetition, a safe space and someone outside their circle who can gently challenge the stories they’re stuck in and help them build the skills to back themselves.

That’s exactly what I do in 1:1 mentoring, help tweens and teens ditch the self doubt, speak to themselves with more kindness, and help them to feel like they are enough just as they are.

If you’re curious if this could help your young person, book a FREE 15-minute connection call with me here. It’s super relaxed and is just a chance to chat, ask questions, and see if we’re the right fit for 1:1 mentoring.

Annabel 🧡